Table of Contents
Introduction
This article will cover the basics of domination and submission, its types and styles, how to bring it to your sex life, and how to add some roleplay ideas to enjoy with your partner.
At KYS, we’re here to clear up any misconceptions or concerns you might have about this topic. Our goal is to give you a better understanding of what it’s like to be attracted to dominance and submission or what it’s like to understand someone who enjoys it.
I remember my first femdom experience like it was yesterday…
I was in the middle of the room, naked, tense, and ready, waiting on her next move. She paced around me on her high heels. She was so damn arrogant with that sexy smile on her pouty lips, she was staring at me and I could feel it making me feel exposed and eager to do whatever she wanted…
“Kneel,” she said, with that tone that gives you no choice, but I didn’t move a muscle. I didn’t want it to end up fast, feeling that warm rush of submission. She took her time, moving her fingers through my hair, grabbing and throwing my head backward, whipping my neck with a flogger. She knew exactly what she was doing…and she was enjoying every second of this game…
“Don’t make me ask twice!” she said again, raising her voice.
I began to kneel in front of her, my whole body was responding to her commands. At that exact moment she owned me and I liked this play very much.
She pulled me over to her lap. I tried to resist a little, but let’s be real, she had me exactly where she wanted. She grabbed my wrists, leaned in to my ear and whispered something like, “You’re mine.”
My defiance melted, leaving me there incredibly aroused in the hands of a dominatrix, as she said “Good boy,” when I realised the game is over and something is actually about to happen now.
She then stood up heading to her toy bag. I was waiting for spanking, more flogging and other impact play. “Stay still” she said from the distance seeing me starting to wiggle.
Until I heard “Look at me,” I found it difficult to swallow, seeing the black strap-on between her legs. I knew what was coming next, and even though I wasn’t fully prepared for whatever she was about to deliver. I surrendered to her fully, and she claimed that surrender with pleasure.
What is Domination and Submission?
The dominant-submissive relationship is part of the broader BDSM lifestyle. Where BDSM stands for “bondage and discipline” (B&D), “dominance and submission” (D&S), and “sadism and masochism.”
But D/s, isn’t the same thing as BDSM. While BDSM often includes physical activities, D/s is more about how two people connect and relate emotionally as a Dominant and a submissive.
It’s about who they are at their core and how they express love and care. For many, this includes verbal affirmations, making praise kink a natural extension of D/s relationships by emphasizing the power of words in reinforcing roles and connection.
For others, it’s like an aspect of their identity, similar to how people might think about gender or attraction. And here’s the thing: D/s doesn’t even require specific actions or scenes, it’s just as much about the feelings and roles they take on in the relationship.
At the heart of D/s is the consensual power exchange, where the dominant person Dom/Domme regardless of gender, takes charge, guiding the experience, while the submissive partner (Sub) finds freedom and empowerment in this consensual surrender.
For many, especially newcomers to the D/s lifestyle, submission is seen as a ‘Gift of Submission’—a choice given willingly to someone deserving, rather than something that can be taken by force. This makes submission a true gift.
Now, let’s take a closer look at what it really means to be a Dominant or a Submissive.
Who is a Dominant Person?
A dominant is the one who acts in a domineering or authoritative role in life, and especially in relationships. A Dominant may be a ‘true Dominant’ in the sense that this trait is firmly hard-wired into his psyche and he simply doesn’t know any other way to be, or he may be acting out a role, whether consciously or unconsciously.
A Dominant is defined primarily by his need to control his environment and personal interactions and his skill at being able to do so.
Who is a Submissive Person?
A submissive is someone who acts in a compliant or submissive role in life, and especially in relationships. A submissive may be a ‘true submissive’ in the sense that this trait is firmly hard-wired into his or her psyche and the submissive simply doesn’t know any other way to be, or he or she may be acting out a role, consciously or unconsciously.
A submissive is defined primarily by his or her deep-seated desire to serve and please another, while feeling loved, cherished and cared for by a Dominant partner”.
What Is a D/s Relationship?
D/s relationships can vary based on the gender of the dominant or submissive, resulting in sub-types such as:
female dominance
female submission
male dominance
male submission
In these relationships, a safe word is typically provided to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical or emotional boundaries. This safe word can be a code word, series of words, or another signal. It is used to communicate when a boundary is being approached or crossed.
Safe words can have different levels of urgency. Some might bring the scene to an immediate stop, while others signal that a limit is near and can be used by both the Dominant and the Submissive if either feels uncomfortable and needs to pause or stop the game.
Interesting Facts on Domination and Submission
D/s (Dominance and Submission) is not just about sex or pain. D/s can happen anonymously through phone, email, or message, or it can be very physical, sometimes involving sadomasochism sexual practices.
Submissives actually have a lot of control, setting boundaries and guiding the relationship.
D/s relationships can be structured with rituals and protocols that add depth and meaning.
Aftercare is an important part of the experience, making sure both partners feel good and connected after play.
Contrary to some myths, D/s is built on trust, consent, and mutual respect, and it’s for everyone—no matter the gender or orientation. Some couples even use contracts to clearly define their roles and enhance their bond.
Styles of D/s Relationships
D/s relationships are incredibly diverse, ranging from casual sexual practices to full-time lifestyles. Some couples might only play with D/s roleplay during specific scenes or in the bedroom, while others might live their lives together in a 24/7 power exchange, where roles are maintained throughout daily life.
Then, there are those who identify as “switches” who enjoy both dominant and submissive roles depending on the situation. This versatility adds excitement and depth to their interactions. The beauty of D/s is its flexibility—there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, allowing each couple to change their dynamic to what feels right for them.
How to Bring D/s in Your Sex life
When it comes to D/s, the possibilities are endless. Whether you’re exploring your sexual fantasies for the first time or taking an existing power play to a new level, here’s how to start your journey and make it truly enjoyable:
Self-Reflection and Open Dialogue
The foundation of every D/s relationship is trust. Entering into or even considering a D/s relationship knowing that you cannot trust is a little like skydiving without a parachute. It may start out great, but it doesn’t end well.
So before you start, take time to reflect on what you want and what you are OK with. Discuss it openly with your partner to ensure you’re both on the same page. Sharing sexual fantasies early can make you closer and create a strong foundation for your D/s relationship.
Start Small and Build Up
If you’re new to D/s, begin with light activities like gentle spanking or simple commands. As you both get more comfortable, you can introduce more intense play. Remember, there’s no rush, let your role play evolve naturally.
For instance, you might start with a simple request like asking your partner to kneel or giving a gentle command. Afterward, talk about how it made both of you feel—did it spark sexual arousal? Did it bring you closer? Use this feedback to guide your next steps.
Experiment with Sexual Fantasies, Attributes, Settings, and Roleplays
Attributes: Explore latex, leather, collars, or chastity devices. Each of these can enhance your roles and overall experience. For more insight into how leather fetish, latex kink, or chastity kink can intensify your roleplay, check out our articles on these themes.
Settings: Try scenarios like sissification*, consensual non-consent, sensual female dominance, pegging* (personal favorite), or the Japanese rope bondage. These settings offer a rich playground for roleplaying.
*Sissification involves the submissive partner being dressed or treated as a “sissy,” often in a feminized or exaggeratedly feminine way, as part of the roleplay.
*Pegging involves a female partner using a strap-on dildo to anally penetrate a male partner.
Roleplays: Get into character with pet play, daddy play, or any other fantasy that makes you wet. Roleplay is a fantastic way to explore different role plays and keep things fresh.
Incorporate Tools and Toys
The right tools can take your D/s play to the next level. Consider adding these to your sessions:
Restraints: Handcuffs, bdsm ropes, and gags.
Impact toys: Paddles and floggers.
Sensory toys: Wartenberg wheels, blindfolds and other sensory accessories.
Explore Dominant and Submissive Rituals
Introduce rituals that reinforce the D/s play. Simple acts like having the sub kneel before the Dom at the start of a scene, setting out specific tools or toys, or performing daily affirmations of roles can strengthen the connection and reinforce it.
Imagine starting D/s scene with lighting a candle, having the sub bringing a collar or leash to the Dom or playing a D/s anthem, that only you know. These small actions, such as the Dom tightening the sub’s restraints or instructing them to kiss the Dom’s boots, can set the tone and help both partners smoothly transition into their roles.
Use Verbal Commands and Affirmations
Verbal control is a powerful tool in D/s. Practice using commands like “Kneel,” “Eyes down,” “Present yourself,” “Strip,” or “Hold still” to reinforce the Dom’s authority and the sub’s submission.
Affirmations such as “Good girl,” “Good boy,” “You belong to me,” “I’m proud of you,” or “You please me” can also enhance the sub’s sense of being valued and appreciated in their role.
Try Advanced Play
Once you’re comfortable with the basics, explore more advanced activities like creampie kink, impact play, intense orgasm control, cock and ball torture kink, or teasing edging. These practices can bring new excitement and intensity to your relationship. An we have article on all of them, if you are looking for inspirations.
Experiment with Sensory Play
Our sensory deprivation article might be just what you need to see how something as simple as a blindfold, or exploring wax play ideas, can make every touch more intense and leave a satisfying aftertaste.
Watch and Learn
Movies like 50 Shades of Grey, The Duke of Burgundy, and Secretary can provide inspiration for your D/s. Just remember, the key to a successful D/s relationship is finding what works best for you and your partner.
Keep It Fun and Playful
D/s doesn’t always have to be serious. Always leave space for humour and playfulness in your BDSM scene. Laughter can make the experience even more enjoyable and help you both unwind.
Hygiene and Safety
Safety first, sexy second. In D/s, it’s crucial to protect your body and your feelings. That means using protection, keeping things clean, and having open dialog about sexual health.
Safety gear like padded restraints and harnesses can keep things fun and injury-free, ensuring that safe sex remains a priority. In the next paragraph, we’ll discuss how to choose the right gear and prevent injuries during play.
Remember, taking care of each other after any kind of activity is important. This could involve cuddling, verbal reassurance, or applying soothing or cooling lotion to areas of the body that have been impacted by physical play.
Safety Gear in D/s Play
When playing with D/s activities, especially more intense ones, using the right safety gear is crucial for ensuring both partners’ well-being and safe sex. Here’s how to choose the best gear and keep it safe:
Padded Restraints: Choose restraints made from high-quality, durable materials with soft padding to prevent cuts and bruises. Regularly check for wear and tear, such as fraying or thinning, and replace them if needed to avoid unexpected breaks during play.
Harnesses: Opt for body harnesses that distribute pressure evenly across the body and are adjustable for a secure fit. Ensure the buckles and straps are sturdy and free from sharp edges. Clean and store them properly after each use to maintain their integrity.
Padded Blindfolds: Select blindfolds with soft, comfortable padding that won’t press too tightly on the eyes or face. Make sure the blindfold stays securely in place without slipping, and clean it regularly to prevent irritation or infection.
Breathable Gags: When choosing a gag, prioritize those with ventilation, such as a ball gag with holes, to allow easy breathing. Always ensure that the gag fits comfortably and isn’t too large for the mouth. Clean the gag thoroughly after each use to maintain hygiene and prevent bacterial build-up.
Padded Cuffs: Look for cuffs with secure but comfortable padding to avoid chafing and nerve damage. The cuffs should have strong, easy-to-operate fastenings, allowing quick release if necessary. Regularly inspect the cuffs for signs of wear, and clean them to ensure they remain safe for use.
Rope Bondage Safety Gear: If you’re using rope, choose ropes that are specifically designed for bondage, as they’re softer on the skin and less likely to cause abrasions. Always have a pair of specialized safety shears (like EMT shears) on hand to quickly cut through the rope in an emergency. Store ropes in a cool, dry place, and check them regularly for fraying or wear.
General Advice:
Cleanliness and Maintenance: After each session, clean all gear according to the manufacturer’s instructions. This not only prolongs the life of the equipment but also prevents the spread of bacteria, keeping play safe and hygienic.
Regular Inspections: Regularly inspect your safety gear for any signs of damage or wear. Replace items as needed to avoid accidents during play. It’s always better to invest in high-quality gear from reputable sources, as this reduces the risk of equipment failure.
Education and Practice: Before using any new piece of safety gear, take the time to learn how to use it properly. Practice applying and removing the gear in a non-stressful environment to ensure you’re comfortable with it before incorporating it into a scene.
Red Flags in D/s Relationships
Despite its growing popularity among women and men, D/s is often misunderstood. One of the biggest misconceptions is that D/s is inherently abusive. It’s essential to distinguish between consensual D/s play and non-consensual actions, as sexual abuse has no place in healthy D/s built on trust and mutual respect.
As highlighted in the ‘Safe and Sexy Play’ section, respecting boundaries and maintaining open communication is a must to a healthy D/s power dynamic.
BDSM Community & Events
Starting with domination submission and other BDSM activities can feel a lot easier when you’re part of a welcoming community. Connecting at events is a great way to learn, meet others, and explore the BDSM world at your own pace. Here’s a few options of what you can find nowadays:
Munches. These casual meetups in public spots, like cafes, let you connect without pressure. Just friendly chats, lots of questions, and a chance to meet others who “get it.”
Workshops. Workshops offer hands-on lessons from people who know their stuff, so you can safely explore and try out what piques your interest.
Play Parties. Held in private homes or dedicated BDSM clubs, these events create a safe space to watch, try, or simply be around D/s in action.
Conventions. These large gatherings combine workshops, play zones, vendors, and performances for a full BDSM experience. Conventions are ideal for anyone ready to fully immerse in the culture.
Online platforms. Online BDSM community like FetLife provide forums, groups, and events where you can connect with others, ask questions, and find local D/s communities.
Connecting with others in these spaces can bring a sense of belonging, excitement, and support to your D/s journey, making it even more rewarding.
Final Thoughts
Remember, if your first experience with dominance and submission doesn’t go as planned—maybe you felt a bit awkward or didn’t get sexual arousal you expected to have, don’t give up on it just yet. If you think it could be more enjoyable with a little more practice or a smoother setup, it’s definitely worth trying again.
Like most new sexual experiences, exploring a sexual practice or trying something new like BDSM can take a bit of getting used to, and that learning curve can be part of the fun. Just make sure to prioritize what feels good and keep safety in mind at all times.
I hope you enjoyed this article and found helpful insights whether for yourself or to understand someone special. In the end, a D/s relationship is about finding that person who makes you feel alive, understood, and free to be yourself—no masks, no judgment.
Embrace the journey, take your time, and seek the joy that comes from true connection and trust. Here’s to exploring with an open heart and a smile that just won’t quit.
What Else is Out there?
For more articles on BDSM, take a look at our BDSM and Humiliation categories.
You’ll find topics like BDSM Humiliation, SPH, Impact Play and much more.
Further Resources
The BDSM Relationship Handbook by Michael Makai
If you are into reading, you might enjoy a more detailed guide for anyone interested in exploring human sexuality and building healthy, trusting BDSM relationships. In his book Michael Makai covers everything you need to know from how to communicate well to explore power dynamic safely.
