Table of Contents
Sadomasochism
You might not know all the ins and outs of what S&M (sadomasochism) is, but I’m betting you’ve heard of it. Whether it’s Rhianna singing about whips and chains or the controversial “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie, you probably get the basic idea.
But there are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings around S&M – it’s not just what you see or hear in mainstream media.
Don’t worry – I’m here to clear things up. Whether you’re simply intrigued by the idea or you think you want to try it yourself, this article is the perfect place to start.
What Exactly is Sadomasochism?
Let’s dive right into it. Sadomasochism or Sadomaso is the consensual enjoyment of giving or receiving pain and humiliation. Most of the time, it provides sexual pleasure but doesn’t always involve sexual intercourse.
Sadomasochism is also known as sadism and masochism, typically shortened to S&M.
A sadist gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on another person. You might also hear these people referred to as dominant, ‘dommes/doms’ or ‘tops’.
Masochists are people who derive pleasure from receiving pain or humiliation. These people are also known as ‘submissive/subs’ or ‘bottoms’.
But it’s not always one or the other. Some people who enjoy S&M, like me, can switch between the two roles depending on their mood and the people they’re with. They call us ‘switches’.
The terms ‘sadism’ and ‘masochism’ were coined from the names of historical figures known for their association with these behaviors: Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
S&M comes under the BDSM umbrella. BDSM stands for ‘bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’.
You might hear people in the BDSM community refer to people who engage in ‘normal’ sex as ‘vanilla’.
Sadomasochism encompasses a wide range of activities. It can vary between extreme and much more mild (think like gentle spanking and tying each other up). It can include both mental and physical pain.
I know that can sound scary when you first hear it, especially if you’ve never tried anything like that before. But it’s something that everyone involved wants.
It’s so important to note that this occurs between consenting adults and is agreed upon by the people involved. It is not the same as acts of sexual aggression.
S&M can be enjoyed by any consenting adult, regardless of gender, body parts, or sexual orientation.
Why Do People Like S&M?
If you’re new to this idea, you’re likely wondering: “Why on earth do people find giving or receiving pain sexy?” That’s a fair question!
As a society, we generally view sex as gentle and loving. Ultimately, we see the point of sex as pleasure. Pain and discomfort can seem like the exact opposite of that!
Yet so many people integrate S&M into their sex life, so there must be a reason. Well, there are actually lots of reasons! Let’s take a look.
The Psychology Behind Sadomasochism
First, let’s start with the history and psychology behind sadomasochism.
Early theories were mixed to say the least. In 1639, Doctor Johann Heinrich Meibom said that flogging a man ‘warmed his semen’.
Another early sexual theory revolved around warming the blood with S&M acts! Interesting, but not accurate.
Havelock Ellis, a pioneering sexologist, argued that there is no clear divide between sadism and masochism, suggesting that these behaviors exist on a spectrum.
Remember how I mentioned being a ‘switch’ earlier? Seems like his theory makes sense! Some professionals think his perspective laid the groundwork for understanding the fluid roles individuals may assume in sadomasochistic relationships.
The famous Sigmund Freud thought that it was a ‘perversion’ and described it as “disordered psychosexual development”.
Thankfully, things have changed a lot. We now are much more open-minded when it comes to sex, including kinks and fetishes!
Modern psychology views sadomasochism as a healthy sexual expression when practiced consensually and without causing distress. This change reflects a broader understanding of human sexuality and acknowledges the therapeutic potential of these practices.
Neel Burton M.A., M.D. explains that sadomasochism may be popular because it can help to release or ‘deal’ with some feelings that regular sex can’t. He also talks about how it’s an built-in desire for us to seek and enjoy power dynamics.
The medical community now recognizes that sadomasochism can vary in its expression. They even understand that it can have a positive impact on an individual’s wellbeing and sexual health!
Reasons People Enjoy S&M
Aside from the psychology behind it, there are plenty of reasons people enjoy sadomasochism. These include:
‘Feel good’ chemicals: Some theories suggest that the hormones released during this sort of sexual play are the key. For example, endorphins are released during pain but also during pleasurable activities like sex!
Male sexual instinct: Richard von Krafft-Ebing is a psychiatrist from the nineteenth century who found that sadistic urges are natural in men, particularly heterosexual males. However, more modern research suggests that these tendencies are just as common in women.
Increasing intimacy: Being so vulnerable and ‘giving up’ your power to your partner is more intimate than many traditional sexual acts. Likewise, knowing that you have the power to inflict both pain and pleasure on your submissive partner creates a deep sense of trust.
Increased sexual gratification: Lots of people, myself included, use physical pain to intensify sexual arousal and sexual pleasure.
Exploring new roles: Some professionals say that a big part of the attraction to sadomasochism is that it lets you step outside of yourself and explore new roles.
Strengthened relationships: Sadomasochistic relationships create a unique bond that’s often even stronger than connections between people who engage in conventional sexual practices. I find that exploring boundaries, building trust, and trying new things can lead to a deeper emotional connection.
Providing an escape: For some people, S&M is an escape from reality. They get to leave their ‘real life’ at the door and engage in their fantasies.
Empowerment and building confidence: Having ‘control’ over a lover during sexual relations can be empowering. Some people also find it can help build their confidence. This is especially true for people who often feel overpowered or are seen as ‘weaker’ in society. I’m talking mostly about women and disabled people here. As a disabled woman, I can confirm that being in a dominant role can be revolutionary.
Healing trauma: Consensual sadomasochism can help individuals confront and resolve past traumas, fostering healthier dynamics within their relationships. Some sex therapists even recommend S&M for couples facing relationship difficulties. Yes, really!
It’s fun: To put it simply, most people who engage in sadomasochism do it because it’s fun for them and their partners!
What Does An S&M Relationship Look Like?
If S&M is a new concept for you, you might find yourself thinking: “What exactly does an S&M relationship look like? Could you tell someone’s in one just by looking? How does it affect daily life?” These are all natural things to wonder about, but the answers might not be as exciting as you might think.
A relationship that involves S&M for the most part looks like any other relationship.
Often, S&M relationships are even stronger than those without it, because partners need such open lines of communication and such strong trust to engage in sadomasochism.
The main differences are in their sex life. These differences would only be seen in the privacy of their own homes, or sometimes at fetish parties and clubs.
So no, you wouldn’t notice in public unless you picked up on very subtle signs!
If you’re wondering if people in S&M relationships can show love, the answer is – yes of course they can! Just like any other relationship, they can be in love and show their love through their actions.
I don’t know about you, but I’d say trusting your partner with your physical safety is a sign of love. Not to mention taking care of your partner’s needs, respecting their boundaries, caring for them, and valuing consent.
For some, how they have sex is the only difference from a vanilla relationship. That’s certainly been the case for all but one of my relationships involving BDSM.
However, for others, the dominant and submissive dynamic may be incorporated into other areas of their life. This varies from maintaining a casual dominant/submissive power dynamic outside the bedroom, to a much more extreme domination lifestyle.
Every relationship is unique, even within vanilla relationships, because we’re all individuals. We will have different expectations, agreements, and interactions with our partners. What works for one couple might not work for another.
Common S&M Techniques
There are lots of different methods that can be used in S&M. To give you an idea of what can be involved, here are some of the more common techniques:
Impact play: Impact play is one of the most common types of sadomasochism. It’s probably one you’ve seen in movies and on TV. Think spanking, flogging, whipping, and more! Even people in vanilla relationships have likely tried spanking during sex, without realizing it’s a form of sadomasochism! Erotic spanking can be used all over the body. It’s one of my favorite ways to increase sexual arousal!
Sensory play: This is another common technique. It’s all about increasing or reducing sensations. For example, you might blindfold a submissive partner or use a ball gag. You could tie them up using rope, handcuffs, leather straps, chains, suspension, spreader bars, or bondage tape. If you’re disabled and struggle to maintain positions in the bedroom bondage tape can be a great help. You can ask your partner to help position you and use the tape to give you extra support. You can also use it to strap sex toys to your bed or even your wheelchair! Don’t be afraid to think outside the box.
Humiliation: A lot of submissive people enjoy emotional pain in the form of humiliation. For example, some men like sissification, small penis humiliation, or other forms of degradation.
Clamps: A variety of clamps can be used on nipples or genitals to cause pain. I like this option because it’s hands-free, so you can focus on doing other fun things at the same time!
Cock and ball torture: Cock and ball torture is often shortened to CBT. Just as it sounds, it involves anything that causes pain and pleasure to a person’s penis and testicles.
Temperature play: Using temperature is a great, easy way to play with new sensations. I love using ice cubes and hot wax (do your research first – not all candles are safe for wax play). Some people enjoy using different types of lube and stimulant gels.
Myths and Misconceptions
There are lots of myths and misconceptions around sadomasochism. People who engage in this type of sexual behavior can be seen as ‘perverted’, ‘freaks’, ‘mentally ill’, or even ‘dangerous’. This couldn’t be further from the truth!
Recent advancements have helped distinguish sadomasochistic behaviors from harmful paraphilic disorders.
Contrary to popular belief, individuals who engage in S&M practices are generally mentally healthy. Engaging in consensual S&M can even lead to greater self-awareness and emotional well-being. That means it can enrich your mental health!
The latest DSM edition recognizes that most people who like this kind of sexual behaviour don’t meet the criteria for a mental disorder. Not that there’s any shame in mental illness! Even if we do have mental health disorders, they likely have nothing to do with what we like in the bedroom.
Another myth is that sadomasochism is abuse or sexual violence. This is not the case. All parties are adults and fully consent to what happens between them. This is a far cry from abuse or sexual violence which is non-consensual.
Basically what this shows, is that if you are into S&M there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. Your desires are natural and you certainly aren’t alone. There are plenty of people like you and me out there!
How to Practice S&M Safely: Top Tips For Beginners
If you’re interested in trying S&M, here are some of my top tips so you can stay safe and have fun:
Consent: Consent is the most important thing. Never just assume in the heat of the moment – clear and definitive consent is vital.
Communication: Talk to your partner about your desire to try S&M. Openly discuss your expectations, desires, and boundaries. Communicate before, during, and after sadomasochistic activities to ensure you’re on the same page.
Clear boundaries: Speaking of boundaries, this is another key component to a successful S&M dynamic. Both the dominant and submissive partners should express what they want, and what’s off-limits. Remember that boundaries can be adjusted at any time.
Plan in advance: S&M sessions often require toys and other tools. So, it’s best to plan in advance if you’re new to the scene – it’s unlikely you’ll have that stuff lying around. Research any new technique you want to try to ensure you know how to do it safely.
Safety supplies: Safety is fundamental with this type of sexual practice. Even if you’re starting with fairly ‘mild’ S&M techniques, be prepared with safety supplies. I recommend having scissors on hand to cut any restraints quickly if needed, as well as any keys for locks. It’s a good idea to have a first aid kit nearby. If you or your partner has any disability or medical conditions, talk about them beforehand so you’re aware of anything you need to do to keep them safe. And keep their medications and mobility aids on hand if needed!
Safe words: Agree on at least one safe word that either partner can use at any time to indicate they want to stop. With S&M I recommend more than one safe word, like a traffic light system. One for stop (red light), one for ‘I’m starting to reach my limit’ (amber light), and one to reassure your partner that they can keep going (green light)!
Start small and slow: You don’t have to go ‘all in’ right away. You certainly don’t want to buy expensive tools only to find you don’t enjoy S&M. Start with some simple ideas like spanking and tying each other up. You can even try spanking with bare hands to begin with. Bondage tape is affordable for beginners and you can make a blindfold out of a scarf!
Experiment together: Try different techniques and sensations to figure out what you both enjoy. You can even switch roles to see what feels best for you.
Aftercare: With any BDSM activities aftercare is crucial. Talk about what went well and what you’d like to change next time. I find it’s also a great time to cuddle up and feel close to one another.
Final Thoughts: Sadomasochism Can Be Positive
Sadomasochism can foster stronger connections while challenging conventional notions of sexuality and intimacy.
Ultimately, sadomasochism is about trust, communication, and mutual respect. It allows individuals to explore their deepest desires and boundaries.
If you’re interested in exploring S&M, go for it! You might find new realms of pleasure opening up for you and your partner!
